A Child All Her Own

I snapped this picture in the early hours one morning, before the sun was all the way up. Before you were really awake. You held your arctic fox and we were entangled, sharing milk for the last time. We had talked about weaning and you decided you weren't quite ready, but I knew you would be soon so I wanted to take a picture every time you nursed in case it was the last.

This particular time was unusual. It was so early in the morning that we'd typically just sleep through. It reminded me very much of when you were a newborn. You'd wake up at night and all you needed was me, and everything was quiet in the whole house. Just us, together, nursing, peaceful. It seemed like we could be the only people up in the entire world, just you and I in that silence.

You were born and you were nursing every hour. Then you became a toddler and you were nursing several times a day and all throughout the night. You grew into a big kid and you nursed before every nap, and before bedtime. When you were hurt, or sad, or lonely. Sharing milk was your home base. 4 years, 3 months, 15 days.

One morning you woke up and proudly declared, "I'm weaned!" And just like that, you decided you were ready to become a child all your own.

We had talked about weaning before this day, and I explained this to you. That when you were growing into a baby in my womb we shared one body. You could feel my heartbeat and I could feel your movement and we were very much a part of each other. Then, when you were born, we were still very much a part of each other, totally entangled. I held you close, slept with you, nursed you day and night. We could not be without the other. As you grew and became independent, we still shared this link between us. An invisible string that kept us together in this world as an inseparable part of each other. We talked about how weaning is a very special occasion, and one day, when you are ready we'll be able to celebrate you going into the world apart from me, as a child all your own. 

That day came and you were so proud of yourself, so confident and ready. It was a very special day, so we went to a very special place. We walked up still as one unit, holding hands. And then you crossed by yourself. Out into the world. Weaned. A child all your own! A very special thing to celebrate.

Happy holidays from sweet Bee

I have been so busy during this holiday season, and have really taken on more projects than I can keep up with, blog included. Rest assured, I have several wonderful toddler activities to post for the new year! Until then, I'll leave you with a little holiday cheer.

And finally, busy little helpers need frequent breaks!

I hope you're all enjoying your Christmas eve.

Thankful for the Family bed

"Sleep-sharing babies get the message "I'm just as valuable to be next to at night as I am during the day. I belong to someone twenty-four hours a day."  - Dr. William Sears, M.D. 

One of my favorite things about my new family is sharing sleep. There is nothing better than sleeping baby snuggles. Western culture seems to insist that parents and babies should be separated, most especially at night. Mothers are encouraged to ignore their instincts and to focus on teaching their baby independence, as if it isn't a milestone that comes naturally. I sometimes imagine what life would be like for a mother who has to jump out of bed in the morning or in the middle of the night to comfort a crying baby.

At brightly living headquarters, our nights, and our mornings, do not look like this. They look leisurely, natural, lazy. I wake up to a sleeping Bee and I'm free to watch her. I take in all of the moments I'd miss if we were sleeping alone. Things like her laughing and smiling through dreams, or her stirring slightly and settling when she reaches out to touch me. I can see her chest rise with mine, our breathing patterns completely in sync, we are totally relaxed and secure in our attachment. She does not cry when she wakes, she smiles. We are each other's first sensory experience every day. I feel her warm body against mine, I hear her breathing, I smell her lavender washed hair from the previous night's bath, I see her. It's our only time to be completely together without interruption.

"When babies sleep with or near their parents, especially mom, they are not being spoiled, they are being made to feel secure and accepted." - Dr. Lendon Smith, M.D.

Aside from being a perfectly practical parenting tool, and from enabling me to spend an extra 3,000+ hours of skin to skin time with my sweet bee, the family bed also has granted me the peace of mind in knowing that my baby is safe and that her needs are met. It's a security that I've never felt as thankful for as I do now. Last week, while Bee was sleeping soundly, I noticed an episode of apnea where she stopped breathing in her sleep. It seemed like the whole room stood still while I leaned in close to listen. There was nothing. I placed my hand on her stomach and chest, still, nothing. No rising movements, no air moving in or out, no inhaling, no exhaling. I was terrified, but I waited a moment, thinking the pause may be normal. I counted to three, to five, to ten. Nothing. I shook her, and she startled awake taking in a very deep gasp of air. She looked pale.

I called her Doctor that morning and he us saw right away. He checked her throat for obstructions and did not see anything. He referred us to an ear, nose, and throat (ENT) specialist who saw us the next morning. He's ordered a sleep study to check for something called Central Sleep Apnea. We haven't had the sleep study yet, and we haven't had any changes in our sleeping pattern. I've continued to keep her close and sleep with her. I've thought back to the moment when she stopped breathing and there's a horrible rush of panic when I imagine what could have happened if I wasn't right there. If she was in a crib, in another room, not in my arms. What's worse is I can vaguely recall other moments in her life where I've felt like this has happened, but was quick to write it off as I was half asleep, or just overly paranoid. Last week, though, there was no mistaking it and no denying that it happened.

I will know more once the sleep study is completed, but on this day, Bee's first Thanksgiving, I feel obliged to write this entry. I feel obligated to share for other mothers who may second guess their instinct to keep their babies close. Who may be feeling the effects of a lack of sleep, or the constant nagging of well-meaning friends and family who are convincing them that their babies must learn to sleep on their own. I have so much to be thankful for in Bee. Her curiosity, bravery, introspective and exuberant nature, her health, our nursing relationship, and much more - but today there is nothing that I'm more thankful for than the family bed. Than the fact that I've listened to my instincts and kept her with me. Today, I feel confident in saying that if I hadn't, her cessation of breathing could have easily gone unnoticed and I'd have much less to be thankful for.

Six months of infant activities

Introducing the sweetest bee. Born on January 1st, 2012, at 40 weeks and 5 days, weighing 9lbs and 13oz, and measuring in at 21 inches of pure perfection. The inspiration for this blog, and since I am dreadfully late (now that she is almost 7 months old) I suppose an update of the last 6 months of infant activities is in order! Here is a compilation of some of our favorite activities:

Sensory Investigation:

In this photo, at a few weeks old, bee is exploring her very first textures! The pine needles were her favorite, she didn’t want to let go! She got to touch bark, leaves, sticks, pinecones, and pine needles. Every time she felt a different texture she looked up at me and I feel like she was quite fascinated with this new game. It was a fabulous sensory experience for her and lots of fun for me to see her facial expressions and the way she opened and closed her hand on each item as if she was trying to feel every part of it! *Note - she HATES the feel of pinecones.

Exploring new animals:

Bee and I were very lucky to participate in a tour of a local farm. Bee loved the sounds the chickens were making! She listened intently while several very assertive chickens came to greet us. These chickens were much different than bee's dog - it was a very interesting experience for her!

Bath play:

Bee loves dipping her hands in and out of the water running from the faucet. Running water, and any water, really, is a constant source of intrigue and wonder for her. 

Blanket tents: 

Playing under a blanket is a fabulous opportunity for sensory fun for your baby, and a great excuse to sneak in some cuddle time during play for you! I love the look of curiosity in her expression as she comes out from under the blanket to see the change in light and environment. 

Reading:

Bee is so captivated by the illustrated pages in her books, and I love to read them to her while she sits on my lap looking at the pages. Aside from being such a relaxing way to spend an afternoon, reading to your baby promotes listening skills, increases the vocabulary she is exposed to, promotes bonding, and best of all stimulates the imagination! 

Narrated Walkabouts: 

As an avid baby-wearing mama, a common theme that you'll see here is bee being kept close to me. When we go on walks, I wear her in a wrap facing my body so that she is able to turn into me any time she's feeling overwhelmed. She is kept close to me, and kept at my eye level, so she sees everything that I see and experiences the world the same way that an adult would. Try bending down to stroller level and see how vastly different and less interesting everything looks for yourself! When we go on a walk, I make sure to explain to bee exactly what she's seeing. If she shows interest in something we pass, I encourage her to investigate it. I pick up rocks for her, pull branches close, kneel down to touch things, etc. I love the intent look of wonder you can see in these pictures - she is ready to experience and interact with the world around her!

Water play: 

Water is a natural material, and appeals to children of all ages. As they change and grow, children learn new things about water, and new ways to play in it! Water play is a wonderful sensory experience for your baby. She can feel the wetness, hear the splashes, see the droplets and maybe even sneak in a taste!

Nap time:

""When babies sleep with or near their parents, especially mom, they are not being spoiled, they are being made to feel secure and accepted." - Dr. Lendon Smith, MD"

After a stimulating activity there is nothing better than watching this sweet bee relax in my arms. 

Finally, where it all started.